Twist and Go

I'm a cognizant trainwreck. I have been for over a decade. I know who I am. I know who you are. I KNOW HOW THE WORLD WORKS. But I focus on that. I focus on you. The concept of self was lost long ago. It's lost now. I know who I am, I know what I want and where I want to go. But yet I want to erase every word. Don't worry about me. Worry about you. Sweep it under the rug, you'll figure it out.

Why do I feel the need to broadcast this to the world? Because I don't listen when I'm saying it to myself. I'm fucking 28 years old. It's a trip to have a handle on everything in the world but yourself. I say "as long as I have everything else around me figured out, I'll be okay." But I'm not. And I can't sweep it under the rug anymore. I'm faced with the biggest mountain I've ever had to climb. I know that I want to climb it and I know that I can, I just have to make the first step.

It is the most difficult thing in the world to admit to yourself first that change is necessary. It's even more difficult to admit that to others, because you don't want to relegate your position. You want to say "I GOT THIS," but you can't carry the weight of the world forever. For a long time, I believed that I could. I still believe that I can. But I leave no time for myself. It's no one's fault but my own. I say "Fuck it, I got it." In life, is there really any other choice? I don't believe so.

I go ten kinds of crazy when someone tells me that I don't care about them. If only they knew that all of my care is outwards. It is sincere, it is a fact of science and nature. It cannot be broken. It's like someone telling you "Hey. The sky is red." You say "No, look up, IT'S BLUE!" "Nope, it's red." Without looking. So I walk away without words.

I'm stuck in this spot. I have the key in the ignition. All I gotta do is twist and go. Can I do that? Yes I can. And yes, I will. As I've said a billion times before, get in and ride with me or get the fuck out of the way. Nobody has chosen the latter and I feel lucky for that. But they and I are waiting for me to twist and go. I can't be afraid to drive those miles. Here I go.