A million times I've considered painting the walls with my brains, because sometimes it just makes perfect sense. I have a gun and I have bullets. I've even held it to my head once or twice. But I could never do that. I never *would* do that. I have too much life left to live.
A friend of mine chose to end her own life yesterday. I never even got to meet her. We were supposed to hang out in a couple weeks. This is fucking bullshit.
I've lost more people to suicide than any other cause. What really twists my mind the most is knowing how I have felt when I was ready to let go, yet I realized that I have so much to live for, and that there are so many people who care. I simply cannot fathom how any person could overlook that.
You know Adrienne, we were supposed to be meeting up in a few weeks when I come back to Detroit. We talked about how much fun we were going to have, have a few drinks, and plenty of laughs. You didn't even wait for that to happen. There's a part of me that refuses to believe that you won't be there when I come back, even though I know that I'm wrong. I'm gonna stare at that empty bar stool and keep my eye on the door, waiting for you to arrive. I'll even have a cold one and a shot waiting for you. It'll be there, just meet me.
Chaz, Tom, Almost Matt. Fuck you guys. You were all too strong for that shit. In my darkest moment I'm totally fucking gone, but I always find a good enough reason to live. Why couldn't you? I always said that before I would be prepared to die, I'd sooner move to the other side of the planet. That's kinda why I ended up on the other side of the country. Doing so has allowed me the opportunity to see things from a distant perspective, and I'm glad that I did.
But rather, you didn't have the guts. You didn't have the belief that there could be somebody, just ONE person out there that could identify with your pain and make you feel if only for a moment that you weren't alone. I could have done that for you. But you didn't even call me. Fuck you. You should have at least called me. You knew that if you called me that I would convince you to believe that shit sucks sometimes, but you're awesome and could muscle through it anyway. You didn't even give me the chance to do that.
I don't know what else to say, but I'm torn apart right now. The people who appear to be the most stable are often the ones who need the most help. Keep your eyes peeled, friends, and open your heart and your mouth when you see a person in need. You could be the difference between talking to someone on the phone or in a fucking casket.
no matter what you do or say, some people are just hopeless. now, don't do the same thing before we are supposed to meet. i'll be more than just disappointed.
ReplyDeleteThat won't happen. I couldn't put the people I love in that much pain.
ReplyDeleteSadly I think most people have considered it at one time or another. I know I have, when life has seemed too much at times. You start to convince yourself that it will be ok, and people will move on. But I do know I have a lot to live for and it would affect a lot of people. Sometimes it's just our fur kids that keep us going.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, sometimes the ones giving the advice are truly the ones who need it, because sometimes it's hard to ask for help, and people might assume because you are in that position that you have it all together.
I am glad you put this out there and are talking about it instead of keeping it all in. Even though we don't know one another very well I kind of wish I could give you a hug. Take care of yourself Dennis.
When I hold things in, I fail. I'm trying to be better about that. I just wish that she would have reached out to someone, anyone... because somewhere out there, there is always someone who understands.
ReplyDelete"Somewhere out there, there is always someone who understands."
ReplyDeleteSo very true... and don't you ever forget that, either.
I LOVE you, Dennis Klein.
This just brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry Dennis and even though it sounds mean I feel like I should't be. There is always someone out there that can help you even if it's by a smile.
ReplyDeleteMany people don't know but I did go through a very rough time in my life about 8 years ago. I was anorexic and if I did eat I turned into a bulimic. I hated myself so much I would cut away at my arms and legs. I wanted to bad to die and just leave all the bullshit that was in my life. I'll never forget the day that I realized I was making a bad decision. I worked at a department store at the time and ran the registers. I was wearing long sleeve sweaters in July trying to hide the pain I bared. A lady and her teenage daughter came into my lane and small talked with me, I was barely paying attention. When they were leaving I forced a smile and the lady just looked at me so sincerely and said, "I hope you're ok and have a wonderful rest of the day." I don't know what it was about that lady, but she changed the thoughts that were going through my head. If a stranger can in the slightest way touch my heart. It really made me think about what I was doing and think about the people I have in my life that love me so much.
Dennis, I am waiting for that day that I meet you again. I can't wait to meet someone new and talk and laugh and just have a good ol' time. <3
I'm sorry, Dennis.
ReplyDelete